Ik wikkel hem in mijn liefdevolle armen. Ik wikkel hem in mijn liefdevolle armen en fluister in zijn oor. Ik wikkel hem in mijn liefdevolle armen en zeg dat hij oké is. Ik wikkel hem in mijn liefdevolle armen en knuffel hem nog liever dood dan dat zijn hoofd zich vult met de gedachten die zich nu vormen.
Hij wikkelt mij in zijn liefdevolle armen en die reiken nog niet ver genoeg om mijn pijn te omvatten. Mogen ze maar nooit zover gaan reiken.
Maar het is zover. Het monster is gearriveerd en ik kan niets anders doen dan hem binnen te laten. Ik weet dat hij hier is om te helpen al doet zijn aanblik zo niet aan.
Want zelfs voor monsters is hij monsterlijk.
Ik geef hem een stoel en bied wat te drinken aan. Hij slaat alles af. Hij komt alleen wat brengen, niets halen. Maar dat gevoel moet nog even bezinken. Dat wil er nog niet echt in.
Ik had hem al zien staan, al een tijdje. Hij stond in de straat, leunend tegen de lantaarnpaal aan de overkant van de straat en hij lag op de loer, te wachten in de schaduw. Hij hield ons nauwlettend in de gaten. Hij had ons in het vizier.
Ik heb de gordijnen dichtgeschoven, het licht uitgedaan en gehoopt dat hij wegging. Maar dat deed hij niet.
En nu zit hij hier, aan onze keukentafel en kijkt mij indringend aan. Zijn blik spreekt boekdelen. Ik hoor het hem denken maar ik durf het nog niet te zeggen.
Maar het moet.
Ik pak de boodschap in en zeg hem dat het geen falen is. Het ligt niet aan hem en hij mag het laten gaan. Er word niemand boos en er gaat niemand stuk. De juf wordt niet boos, heus niet schat!
Ook dit is faalangst en ik vraag me af hoeveel van deze wonderlijke mensen hieronder lijden. Doorgaan voor een ander, ook als het je schaadt.
Ik trek zijn grens, een grens die hij nog moet leren voelen, moet leren herkennen. Dit is de grens waarop aanpassen wat van je gaat opvreten, stukje bij beetje. Dit is de grens die jouw lichaam aangeeft. Voel hem lieverd! Voel hem zodat je later weet wanneer je moet stoppen.
En dan spreek ik de verpletterende woorden:”Voorlopig blijf jij thuis.”
En er meteen achteraan:”Het ligt niet aan jou, jij kunt hier niets aan doen. De wereld gaat te langzaam voor jou en jouw snelle hersens. Ze hebben tijd nodig om jou te volgen. Ze komen zo wel en helpen je, echt waar!” Mijn stem hapert en slaat over. Het straalt geen kracht uit vandaag.
Vlak na deze woorden vliegt er een kolibrie voorbij. Alleen voor mijn ogen, alleen in mijn hoofd. Zijn vleugels slaan zo snel dat ze stil lijken te staan. En het enige wat ik kan denken is:”Als zijn vleugels gedwongen zijn om langzamer heen en weer te gaan, stort het kleine vogeltje dan neer? Stort het dan neer zoals mijn zoon nu is neergestort?”
Ik wikkel hem in mijn liefdevolle armen.
[spotifyplaybutton play=”https://open.spotify.com/track/6NYFHVsiWzE41A4ZssbUwx?si=Ouei5QStT0yWENrZLIrScQ”/]
Dat is goed weer gegeven.
Doorgaan voor een ander, ook als het je schaadt. .. Magisch weergegeven!
Thx!
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