Zo’n klein woordje met zoveel lading. Vier letters vol gewicht. 

Je geeft ermee aan dat je het zelf niet meer kunt. Dat iemand je moet komen helpen. 

Wij kunnen het zelf niet meer. Zoveel is duidelijk. Waar iedereen zijn kinderen zelf groot weet te brengen, lukt het ons niet. En dat steekt. Tenminste, mij. Het steekt mij. 

Alle oplossingen ten spijt, weet niemand hoe ze mijn zoon moeten benaderen. En dus moet er hulp komen. Dure hulp. Hulp waar we niet tegenop kunnen werken. Hoe hard en hoe veel we ook werken. We moeten een pgb gaan aanvragen. Want mijn kinderen zijn te duur. Ik wist al wel dat ze onbetaalbaar waren, maar ik was niet van plan ze te verkopen. Maar nu blijkt het onderhoud veel duurder uit te vallen dan normaal, zeg maar.

Een pgb. Alsof we een gehandicapt kind hebben. In ons geval twee. Alsof ze een gebrek hebben, een tekort of tekortkoming. Maar dat is niet. Ze zijn niet gehandicapt. Ze hebben een teveel, een teveelkoming. Een teveel aan wil, aan perfectionisme, aan autonomie en aan intelligentie. Bovenal intelligentie. 

Zeker de oudste. Maar die loopt wel spaak. Net als de jongste. Die loopt net zo hard spaak als ze met haar hobbelgangetje kan hobbelen. En om de één te helpen moet de ander geholpen worden en visa versa. Een soort symbiose. Een symbiose aan hulp. 

Door de teveelkoming bij hem wordt zijn faalangst groter en zijn zelfvertrouwen kleiner. 

We redden het niet meer met een clubje hier en uitdagend speelgoed daar. Er moeten didactische onderzoeken komen, observaties, gesprekken met dure professionals en begeleiding van alles en iedereen. 

Want de stress moet uit ons huis. Stress die iedereen in zijn greep houd. Stress die niet weggelachen kan worden. Stress die verlamt, hoofdpijn en buikpijn geeft, die niet weggepraat kan worden. Niemand gedijt eronder en ons eigen mini-universum implodeert. En in die implosie wordt de jongste onbedoeld meegenomen. Meegezogen in een zwart gat. En juist die jongste moet gedijen. Want die heeft zowel een tekortkoming als een teveelkoming. Een extreem complex mensje. Een symbiose van komingen. Want de teveelkoming houdt de tekortkoming in stand en de tekortkoming doet afbreuk aan de teveelkoming. Dan is mijn zoon nog de makkelijkste. Die heeft alleen een gigantisch teveel. 

Even weet ik het niet meer. Even stopt het hier voor mij. De hulptroepen moeten het overnemen. Let wel, een symbiose van hulptroepen. Psychologen, artsen, coachen, onderzoekers, leraressen en (groot-)ouders. 

Ik ga er een nachtje op slapen en hoop dat de ochtend me nieuwe moed brengt. Een frisse blik en een volle teug nieuwe adem. Ik denk dat ik die dingen op mijn verlanglijstje zet dit jaar. 

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18 Replies to “Symbiose”

  1. Goed verwoord en enigzins herkenbaar. Zorg ervoor dat in jullie “team” ook iemand is met hb kennis en ervaring! Jullie kinderen mogen zich prijzen met zo’n moeder/ouders; i.t.t. onze jeugd streven we naar (h)erkenning en dat onze kinderen beter leren omgaan met zichzelf en hun omgeving… Belachelijk idd dat een gezond kind een pgb nodig heeft: Hopelijk wordt hb in de toekomst vaker voor/in groep 1 gesignaleerd (cb, ha, lkr.)!
    Hang on, take care ?

  2. Het is inderdaad goed dat je hulp vraagt ,die hebben jullie echt nodig de komende tijd,maar ik denk dat jullie er samen goed uitkomen .HÉÉL VEEL STERKTE .Veel liefs .

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