Prijzenkast

Hij is goudkleurig. En glanzend! Precies zoals een medaille hoort te zijn. Trots hangt hij om zijn hals te bungelen. De kers op zijn taart. De beloning voor zijn inspanningen. En het zijn me nogal wat inspanningen geweest voor zo’n jong mannetje. 

Hij kon amper boven de hoogste stukken uit kijken die op het bord stonden. Het leek of ze hoog boven hem uit torenden. In werkelijkheid was dat niet zo. Dat was enkel mijn beleving. Hij was niet eens de kleinste die meedeed, wel de jongste. Verreweg de jongste. Hij is altijd de jongste, in de klas, zelfs op de hele school, dus op dit schaaktoernooi ook. 

Hij had netjes zijn naam opgegeven bij de wedstrijdleiding en het geld betaald wat bij de inschrijving hoort. Nu zat hij met zijn wiebelkont ongeduldig tegenover zijn tegenstander te wachten tot hij mocht beginnen. Zijn beentjes bungelden ritmisch heen en weer op de te hoge stoel. 

Ik steek mijn wijsvinger overdwars voor mijn mond om hem duidelijk te maken dat er niet gepraat mag worden tijdens de partijen, maar hij weet wel beter en kijkt mijn kant niet op. 

“Help hem maar gerust, ik ben allang blij dat ie meedoet” zegt ze fluisterend tegen mij in het voorbijgaan. Het is de dame die dit toernooi organiseert. 

Een beetje verbouwereerd kijk ik haar na. Hoe moet ik deze uitspraak interpreteren? Weet zij iets waar ik niet van op de hoogte ben? Loop ik hier met het nieuwe schaaktalent van deze eeuw door de school? Gaat hij straks, als een soort mini schaakgod in een of ander solo optreden, alle tafels met speelborden af en legt daar een voor een de koninginnen van zijn tegenstanders neer terwijl hij ‘schaakmat’ roept, onder luid gejuich van de verliezers, gewoon omdat het zo geweldig is om van zo’n talent te mogen verliezen. Is hij de nieuwe Bobby Fischer of Anatoly Karpov en is iedereen mij dat vergeten te vertellen? Vindt zij het zo’n eer dat deze kleine blonde jongen dit toernooi bezoekt? Loopt hij straks met een grote trofee te zeulen als we naar huis gaan?

Twee seconden na het startsein word mij duidelijk dat dat niet is waar ze op doelde. Binnen één lullige zet is hij al verslagen. Blijkbaar is het een handig schaaktrucje waar hij in is getrapt en is hij dus niet de gereïncarneerde ziel van een of andere schaaklegende. 

Maar waarom dan die opmerking? Ineens valt het hulpgedeelte van haar uitspraak op zijn plek. 

Had ze het al opgegeven met hem tijdens de schaaklessen die ze op school geeft en is ze verbaasd om hem hier nu te zien? Denkt ze nu: help die jongen alsjeblieft want daar zit totaal geen talent in. 

Het is niet echt een uitspraak die een kind het beste uit zichzelf laat halen. Ik ben zelf ook niet zo gebrand op de winst, maar als je dan toch meedoet, gun je tegenstander dan het beste van jezelf. Ook als je weet dat je niet kunt winnen. Laat dat dan de boodschap zijn. ‘Wat fijn dat je meedoet, haal je beste spel uit de kast’ of iets in die trant.  

Nee, haar uitspraak klinkt meer alsof hij opvulling is in dit toernooi. Voer voor de echte schaakkampioenen die hier rondlopen. Haar verwachtingen zijn niet erg hoog gespannen en dat boezemt niet erg veel vertrouwen in. Die verdomde verwachtingen van een ander ook altijd! Zijn ze te hoog, dan kun je onder de druk bezwijken. Zijn ze te laag, dan ben je niet geneigd om iets neer te zetten. En bij mijn zoon zijn ze meestal te laag.

Je kunt er niet omheen, je hebt er de hele dag mee te maken. Het loslaten van de verwachting van een ander is de eerste stap op weg van droom naar werkelijkheid. En toch kan de verwachting van een ander je ook helpen. De verwachting van zijn juf op deze nieuwe school ligt vele malen hoger dan alle voorgaande juffen en nu bloeit hij pas op. Een hoge verwachting kan een soort vertrouwen uitspreken daar waar een lage verwachting eerder wantrouwen wekt. 

De lage verwachting van deze schaakjuf zou mij in ieder geval niet laten streven naar de top, want ja, ze is allang blij dat je er bij bent, zeg maar, dus waarom zou je nog moeite doen? Het is alsof je dan meedoet voor spek en bonen. 

En dat helpen zit er ook niet in vandaag. Ik zou ook niet door mijn moeder geholpen willen worden wanneer toch herhaaldelijk is gezegd dat ouders niet voorbij de lijn mogen komen, in de buurt van de tafels. Helemaal niet als ik al de jongste was van het hele stel. Dan wil jij je laten gelden, lijkt mij. Dan wil je de rest laten zien wat je waard bent, dat je hier hoort, ondanks je leeftijd, en op eigen kracht. 

Ik kijk zijn kant op maar hij lijkt haar denigrerende opmerking die ongetwijfeld goed bedoeld is, gelukkig niet te hebben gehoord. Na zijn eerdere verlies, gaat het hem nu beter af. De tweede partij eindigt in remise. En tijdens de derde partij gaat hij zo op in het spel dat hij vergeet op de speelklok te drukken. Alle speeltijd wordt benut maar uiteindelijk moet hij deze partij afgeven aan de tegenstander. 

Ik steek geen vinger uit om hem te helpen, of zij dat nu wil of niet. Niet omdat ik hem graag zie spartelen, maar omdat ik verwacht dat hij dit kan zonder mijn inmenging.

En hij kan dit! Misschien omdat mijn verwachtingen hoger liggen dan die van de schaakjuf. Of omdat hij de kunst al machtig is om verwachtingen van een ander los te laten en te varen op zijn eigen kompas vol verwachtingen. Hij heeft zich kranig verweerd, hij heeft zijn mannetje gestaan. Hij heeft niets gewonnen, behalve deze ervaring. En die is een medaille waard. 

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