Eten!

“Nee!”

“Neehee!”

“NEEHEEHEE!”

Opgelucht haal ik adem. Ze hoeft later geen ‘nee’ te leren zeggen, dat heeft ze perfect onder de knie.

Ze werpt nogmaals boos een blik op haar bord. Ze schudt wild met haar hoofd en draait zich om. Ze laat zich weer op haar knieën vallen en begraaft haar hoofd in haar armen. Ze probeert het even later nog eens en staat dapper op. Als blijkt dat er nog steeds hetzelfde op haar bord ligt, deinst ze verontwaardigd achteruit, helemaal tegen de muur aan. Alsof er puur vergif op haar bord ligt. 

Het gehuil is oorverdovend. En dat is het al een half uur lang. Al vanaf het moment dat ik voorstelde om de tafel samen te dekken. En echt, dat wilde ze best! Ze liep al naar de lade met ontbijtspullen om de crackers te pakken. Er was alleen één probleem, het was 17:00 uur en er stonden bonen op het menu, geen crackers. Toen ze dat nieuws hoorde stortte ze in. Geheel in de stijl van een tweejarige gelukkig. Dat dan weer wel. 

Mijn dochter zit in een fase. Meerdere zelfs. 

Ze is twee en dus zegt ze nee. Maar ze zegt net zo vlot ja hoor,  maar alleen als jij nee zegt. Een soort Jin-yang, we zijn geheel in balans. 

Maar ze heeft ook de fameuze cracker fase. Of is mijn dochter de enige tweejarige met een cracker fase? Ik ben eigenlijk allang blij dat het geen crack fase is en die hoop ik ook nooit te zien. 

Maar ze eet dus alleen nog maar crackers. Twee variaties heeft ze, de cracker met vlokken of de cracker met Paturain. Mijn zoon noemt haar de Paturain koningin dus je kan wel raden welke variant de voorkeur heeft. En die moet ook niet teveel van die groene stukjes bevatten want die zien er gezond uit en worden zorgvuldig naar buiten gewerkt als ze gedetecteerd worden na inname. En eigenlijk is de cracker alleen bedoelt als middel om of vlokken of Paturain te krijgen. Met lange tanden eet ze die als laatste op als al het beleg er zorgvuldig afgeschraapt is. Het liefste eet ze bij opa want daar mag ze het zo uit het bakje eten en ligt de cracker er voor de vorm bij, voor als oma per ongeluk binnen komt stappen en hun betrapt. 

Nu is mijn dochter altijd al op zijn zachts gezegd een ietwat kieskeurige eter geweest. Zo heeft ze ooit de borst boven de fles verkozen, ook al zijn we begonnen met de fles. En had ze een zorgwekkend hardnekkig kokhals-reflex, waardoor eten een soort stikfestijn was geworden. Bezorgd zaten we bij de pre-logopediste, want ze at niets zonder dat we de babyvariant van de Heimlich-manoeuvre moesten toepassen. De voorgestelde therapie stond haar wel aan, leren eten door vruchtenhagel te laten smelten op haar tong. Alhoewel ze er geen voorliefde voor vruchtenhagel aan over heeft gehouden, kan ik wel zeggen dat ze bar weinig groente en fruit eet. Vruchtenhagel geeft geen garantie voor een liefde voor vruchten. 

We hebben het echt geprobeerd met groentehapjes en fruithapjes maar het wou en wil er nu nog niet in. Het liefst is alles geblendert tot een smoothie, dan gaat het nog enigszins want dan lijkt het op yoghi. Maar daar moeten dan echt geenstukjes in zitten.

En dat terwijl haar grote broer toch een enorm goed voorbeeld geeft. Aan fruit gaat daar alles in en zijn groente eet hij altijd wel op. Om daarna fruit als toetje te nemen. 

Nee, mijn dochter is niet te paaien met beloftes van een toetje als ze haar groente opgegeten heeft, dan eet ze net zo lief geen toetje, als statement. 

Maar het is ook geen echte zoetekauw. Ze is niet overenthousiast voor koek of snoep, behalve als het chocola bevat, ze is boven alles een echte vrouw. Maar ze laat in een restaurant vlot het ijsje staan, ook al is het versiert met spekjes en discodip en gaat puur voor de verrassing die erbij zit. En verder dan vlokken gaat ze niet wat betreft zoetigheid op brood, of in haar geval een cracker. 

Inmiddels zitten we met haar weer in de medische molen. Ondanks haar verwoede pogingen om te praten, komt er weinig verstaanbaars uit. 

Of ze een moeilijke eter is? Het was een vraag van de psycholoog die ermee gemoeid is. 

Ach ja, dat ligt aan je interpretatie van moeilijk. 

Als je genoegen neemt met een dieet van crackers met vlokken of Paturain, afgewisseld met af en toe een reep chocola of een bakje chips, dan hoor je haar niet mopperen. Dan gaan de borden leeg terug naar de keuken. Joh, dan is er zelfs geen strijd als het bord niet leeg is. 

Maar als je haar een gezond menu voorschotelt met groente, fruit en granen verandert dat drastisch. Dan mag je blij zijn als de borden vol terugkomen, want dan heeft zij de borden in ieder geval heel gelaten. 

Dus kiezen we voor een cracker met veel granen en verstoppen we het fruit en de groente in haar ‘Yoghi’, terwijl we stug doorgaan met fruit op een normale manier aan te bieden. 

De volgende dag sta ik in de winkel. Bij de groente en fruitafdeling sta ik te dubben wat ik allemaal in haar ‘Yoghi’ kan verstoppen. Vanuit mijn ooghoeken komt ze aanstappen. Waar ze hem heeft opgeduikeld weet ik niet en ik hoop vurig dat ze hem niet uit het winkelkarretje van een ander heeft gestolen, maar vandaag is hij mijn tegenstander.

Ze is in een innige omhelzing verwikkeld met een zak chips. Ik heb nog pakweg 50 meter gangpad voor ik bij de kassa ben, de vloer lijkt schoon en het is niet druk. Tijd voor een chipszak-extractie. 

‘Nee!’

‘Neehee!’

‘NEEHEEHEE!’

[spotifyplaybutton play=”https://open.spotify.com/track/4bHsxqR3GMrXTxEPLuK5ue?si=DrDnMNbvQ6yazWMAc0d1jA”/]

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